New Years Resolutions.

This year has been filled with disapointment and disillusions.
im really ready to just start over with everything.

I can't see sometimes, and i dont be literally.

things get so foggy and when things get like that, it's easy to get lost.

i despise liars in whole and want nothing to do with liars at all.

i hate when double standards become an issue, because that is so unfair and unruly.

things are getting crazyy and i want some peace inside and out.

there is only ONE way to gain that, and i think i know how.

i get my daughter tomorrow and we will be having our own little christmas since i didnt get to see her on christmas day.

i.know.what.i.have.to.do.now.

ready?
or not?
here is comes...

checkin out yo'
crystal (:


"i thought that we were stronger/all we do is linger/slipping through my fingers. i dont wanna try now/all thats left is goodbye to try to find a way to tell you/ i hate this part right here."

Forever.i.want....

The days run dreary when she isn't with me. i miss my daughter, i hate that i actally have to deal with my ex-husband's crap. He is such a jerk and then tries to blame it all on me, it's so unfair but one day all this will come to light and he will be exposed as the con that he is.

As for christmas, it wasn't great. I didn't have kim with me and so it suckeddd. i got to see my brothers and i haven't seen them in quite sometime so that was definetly nice. =)

i love them
i think that in time things will fall into place and it will all make sense but for now i think that this a time for transition, things are changing and im getting where im supposed to be.

im still working on my relationship with God, i have messed that up alot. It's scary because i know the consequenses of being away from God.
Im in his hands tho and i know that although it may take sometime, i can get back where i was...

im ready to be moved.

superlove
Crystal

"the heart is stonger than you think, even when you think you can't make it, you'll be surprised what you can make it through..."

Wrecked.

my feelings have gotten all confusing and retarded recently.

This has overcome me at the last possible minute.
im thinking and thinking, just like i always do on those days. No conclusion.
how unfortunate. how sad.

I can't imagine how to go on about things, now that my whole word has been turned upside down and inside out.

it feels like i went walking on a cold winter, i walked and walked for hours and hours until i finally found myself far from home that i had ever anticipated going. I start to tread back and realize that the walk home is harder than the walk away. I feel like i have been walkking awaty from home and trying to find my way back is hard and i feel wrecked. I have no clue what to do? stay where i am and die? or get up, walk home and rememeber that walking off away from home is a sure step to this unkempt seperation from my home? I am pondering the effects, but making a stand, trying my best to stay where i belong.

I made a 100 on my paper (hoorayy)
watched brothers last night (sad)
dont have kim (sad)

delete.


well sweet readers i better go on about my dayy..

lovelovesuperlove.

CrystaL

learning how much it hurts to fall..
The tiniest infraction in your everyday life. One thing that can change everything and make your stomach do a flip ( only it's not the good kind) There are a million things that can happen the only thing is that when they happen, you can't belive it and it puts into a mental shock where you don't want to hear anything, it's so bad that you barely want to think about it.
There are so many infractions that the saying a minute can change your life can actually be applied to you ( in the reasonable sense) Yet, you go on trying to pretend like it doens't hurt the way that you KNOW it hurts. Trying so hard and falling OVER AND OVER again.
Falling hurts so bad, sure, you try to act like it doesn't bother you but deep down inside, it does. Whether it's your pride, your emotions or physical hurt....it hurts.
So why do people apply this to things like love? wouldn't it make you afraid to FALL in love?? So why do we do it? why do we let ourselves fall? why can't we stop it and then when we have fallen, we can't seem to get up NO MATTER what we do.
It's noone's fault that we fall, we just do. and there is absloutly NOTHING that we can do about that, nothing. As scary as that sounds it's true. all that we can do is get up, and TRY so hard to never hurt anyone and not to let anyone hurt you. It's not easy, AT ALL. but regardless. it's life...

pondering..

oh my goodness gracious.

Oh, how long has it been since i have updated this thing? probably a mighty long time i can imagine.
life is rather smooth at the moment

not too shabby, not too shabby at all.

of course, i could own a mansion and a million dollars and be like super duper rich. Would that make life better?
maybe.
who knows...

I was thinking the other day, and i do that alot, i think that im pretty much alright with the way that things are going.

i would most certainly trade a few things, or possibly a few people here and there.

I hate the fact that there are so many jerk-people out there, and yes this is whta they are jerk people. They are consumed by being a jerk that anything else would make them feel incomplete as humans. how sad.

well there are some women that i would like to exil, men for that matter as well. Women can be so devious and cold hearted that i am nearly embarassed to be one at times.


oh well


Crystal!

Fall. (:

Art.

embrace me. 4 I charge you, O daughters of Jerusalem, why should you
stir up or awaken my Love until it pleases?

A peace of love.

it's a fantasic(AL) life.

Well ladies and gents, it's been a while since i've given you all the low-down on what is going on in my life these days.

So life is lovely at the present time. =)

I think that in life there is never going to be anything constant but ONE thing and as i live each day i see that no matter how hard i try to hold on to anything it will change.

Love, people,friends,feelings and thoughts they all morph into something new and the old is gone forever.

Now, the only thing that will never change is God. He is always constant, always faithful and he always LOVES me no matter my short comings.

School has just started and everything seems to be going just fine with that situation.

Learning is definetly a process where you scratch out old ideas and replace them with something new. I hate math with a passion but am trying so hard to cram my brain with these numbers, formulas and such. English on the other hand...I am having quite a time with that subject because words are unlike anything they build, break down and create.

As for the rest of my life it is all following what was stated in my open first original thought...changing. I am no longer friends with certain people and am not persuing other particular friendships with people who burden my life with drama and confusion. I believe that you should fill your life with people that make your life better, not worse. How would being freinds with someone who tears you down be of any benefit?

Saterday I am going to be in the Walk for a cure for Juvinile Diabetes. I think that it is a worthy cause and i am actually pretty excited to be a part of that.

Lets see...Let me give you all some random things that i have either discovered or that have happened to me as of late.

-i love you

-vanessa is my cousin and my best friend

-you can't love anyone before God

-people make mistakes, it's learning that's the hard part

-we are no longer getting money at work for referrring people

-i am going to be wonder woman for halloween

-there is always new music to be discovered

-even really nice people can turn out to not be so nice

-i dont like when mothers yell at they're children in public for something really stupid like looking at something.. i mean come on lady.

okayy well im all out of stuff soo i will try my best to keep you all updated next chance i get!

im OUT(yy),

alwaystogetherbatmanforever.

Crystal!

my thought of the way:

The heart is crying out deep inside, it reaches out for that one love that can only be fullfiled by the one who made you. All else is just a gift, take it all in rememebrance of the one who gave it

Lyric of the day:

"if every these building falls, and all the stars fade we'll STILL be singing that song the one they cant take away. " - Matt Kearney 'Closer to Love'

Superr blonde w purple streak.

All you need is love.

Smile.

Sing me to sleep dear.

Hey World.

I haven't updated this in a few weeks, i am aware that i have abandoned you all and you feel oh so very forgotten and for that i send a million apologies. (lol)

Now, where to begin... My life has gotten more complex and yet simpler all at the same time..

i am now a part-time college student.

i have been hanging out with some new and old friends and having a good time

i will be starting the divorce process soon and that isnt going to be fun

i have discovered some new FANTASTIC music!

i have also found that there are actually some one in a millions out there

life is amazing at the moment. Ive let go of what has happened and i forgive you for any hurt you have caused me. I will probably never remember some of the good times we shared (of the few we had) but i have to let go because this is not a beneficial relationship for either of us. I understand that you don't see you being with her as an affair but i do. I need an open and honest relationship because there shouldnt be any questions or worries like that, but enough of that. =)

When the rain comes, a rainbow follows and i found that sometimes the rain can even be a beautiful thing like you almost couldn't imgine.

there are many things in my life that are changing but everything has a season.

Time is moving on and life is holding no restraits, i have made mistakes but we live and learn (at least thats the idea)

Well farewall for now

my sweetest loves,

Crystal

Music, Family, and Food. =)

Ahh..where to begin?

today was fun.

crazy and unexpected but still it was fun.

Lets start with the morning, I woke up late. alarm didnt go off (i dont think it did) resulting in me missing my ride to work. Luckily, I found a ride and got to work!!

After that the day went pretty normal. I did my work and functioned like i would any other day. After work i went and took my driving exam (and passed!) =)

Thenn my sister and I came back to my place and hungg out..

We went to applebees and had a lot of fun, catching up on old times and such.

Went to see Harry Potter (which i regret) but had fun anyways. lol.

hmm. only thing that side-tracked me was a certain TEXT i got from a certain SOMEONE. (not saying so dont ask)

well i had texted this person and didn't expect a response but i got a one-word response and it made me think about this person all the more....

thats all im saying.

I love my family so much. No matter what i have them with me near or far we find a way to stay connected. Music has been so soothing lately, listening to ALOT of jamie cullum (who im sure MOST of you have never heard of!)

but i know that everything happens for a reason and that it will all be okay i just need to try and see the big picture and not let it get me down.

God is amazing, He is my Father, Creator and He wont ever let me go. =)

I miss my baby girl so much more everyday. Seeing her pictures make me smile and I want to be with her so badly...

Wellll. Time for bed the night is turning into dawn.

Resistance is futile. bedtime is here.

Goodnight World.

Crystal

"Only ONE name lasts forever, only ONE fame stands alone, only ONE king has an anthem that goes on and on and on..." -Kari Jobe 'im singing'

PeteR

Peter and I. He's my little buddy, my old bosses son. Hes a nerd. lol. ran into him at the movies, hes getting all grown up! I remember when he was so much younger. =) aww. lol.

Life is beautiful, even in uncertain times.

Im listening to "white flag" by Dido. Old school, yeah i know. unlike this song though i am not putting my hands up in surrender. The only reason these hands come up is if I'm fixing my hair, dancing, or praising God.

The oddest thing happened today, well i am very intuitive and i get a feeling when something is going to happen to someone i care about. I thought it was odd at first but i like the heads up. Well the feeling was right but i don't want to put any ones business out there.

Well anyhow, I have been seriously thinking about everything, and i mean everything. I move next week and so that's gonna be fun! (not) I get Kim though and that balances it all out.

Since my thinking here is what i have decided:

1) I am going to be nice to Chris no matter how bad he treats me. It will be the ultimate "turn the other cheek" but i think that it would definitely make me a stronger person.

2) i will tell you number 2 at a later date...

3) i am going to begin reading my bible everyday NO MATTER WHAT. This will require lots of dedication and persistence but i believe it can be done.

4) i will never again text on a date. i still feel bad about doing that!

5) I will help my sister because i can see how hard she is trying so hard and i love her millions.

I walked across an empty path/ i knew the land well like the back of my hand.

-Keane "somewhere only we know"

These are my 5 declarations.

and i will be trying so hard to keep up with them.

I am fervent in my faith and i feel that no matter what it will sustain me.

Life is beautiful. The thought of it, the people you come in contact with and make connections with.

I love the thought of making someones day better by just a smile. I smile all day everyday because its one of the best things i have been blessed with.

A smile is contagious, i have seen these things.

Its the funniest thing because i have met so many people who don't see any optimism in life because they have been through so much.

I think that is an excuse to be angry. I have been through almost everything from neglect, abuse, disownment..and the list goes on..

Do i carry a chip on my shoulder? NO.

Does the world owe me any compensation or pity for my pain? NO.

Everything i went through made me who i am now.

It may not have been so wonderful when i was going through it but in the end, God brought me out of it. He is still bringing me out of things, I don't blame God I thank him because He is using me for His purpose for something so much bigger than just me, and i love that.

Well that's all i got tonight.

Night love. God Bless. =)

Crystal

Time is aloof.

Life is always changing, constantly moving in a direction that you either didn't expect or maybe even didn't want. I am no exception. Now i will just give a brief overview but no ranting and raving (at least not tonight). At the tender age of 20 i married right out of high school and 9 months later i was a mommy. While i love to be a mommy, i am not longer a wife enough said. Men are possibly the most complicated creatures ever! they are the complete and total opposite of women yet we cannot seem to do without them (well some women do, but lets not get into that...).

While The Fray blares through my laptop speakers i do a summary of everything going on..and its more than it appears because now not only am i getting a divorce but i have to worry about providing for my daughter, starting school and working full-time. Life is about to get busier than ever before, and as if THAT wasn't enough...I have obtained feelings for someone

SO that leaves me in a tiny bit of a predicament (spell ck)
my marriage not included in this.

I appear happy on the outside, and to an extent i am. I have never been a negative person i like to see the bright side, the silver lining if you'll have it. The thing is that lately i feel like a bit of a failure a 21 year old divorcee and all. I don't know what i could have done differently but i is again all that i stand for getting this divorce. At times, i wonder if God will forgive me this sin of divorcing my husband (rather him divorcing me).

I wont see my daughter for a week and this tears at my heart. Every time i see her it's like i have missed a chunk of her life and i wont ever be able to reach over and just take back that week that i missed with her. These days are growing far too long.

God is all that keeps me going in these days of confusion. I pray every single night for direction and guidance and that i should go in the way he would have me go and not my own ways. I pray that i make the right choices in raising my daughter. I pray that i will forgive Chris for what hes done. I pray for everyone, including my 5 hour friend.

While i have friends and family that i know will never leave my side regardless of the situation i cant help but be bothered that i am actually being given the "cold shoulder". Not many people have done that to me, i rarely have someone who will ignore me or not like me, so this is new. i just don't get it.

No matter what happens, I know i will be okay. Everything happens for a reason because that man upstairs knows just what he's doing. =)

but pray for me anyways...


Good night babe,
Crystal.